What Is Contempt in Marriage?
Contempt is a feeling of superiority over one’s partner, often expressed through mocking, sarcasm, name-calling, eye-rolling, or dismissive body language. Unlike simple disagreements, contempt carries an undertone of disrespect and disdain, making the other person feel worthless. For instance, if one partner constantly demeans the other by dismissing their opinions instead of listening, it creates an environment of disrespect. Over time, such behaviour makes the other partner feel belittled and unimportant.
Contempt is one of the most damaging emotions in a relationship and, if left unchecked, can destroy the foundation of a marriage.
How Contempt Erodes a Marriage
1. Breakdown of Communication
When one partner consistently belittles or disregards the other, open and honest communication becomes impossible. Instead of resolving conflicts constructively, discussions turn into battlegrounds of blame and insult, widening the emotional gap between partners. Imagine a husband expressing concern about their finances, and his wife scoffs, ‘Maybe if you didn’t waste money on useless things, we wouldn’t be in this mess.’ Instead of addressing the issue together, contempt turns the discussion into an attack, shutting down any productive communication.
2. Loss of Emotional Intimacy
A marriage thrives on mutual respect, trust, and affection. Contempt chips away at these pillars, making one or both partners feel unloved and unappreciated. A husband who constantly mocks his wife’s cooking or criticises her in front of friends and family may think he’s just being funny. However, over time, she may withdraw emotionally, feeling unappreciated and unloved, or she may retaliate with the same attitude. This leads to a growing disconnect in the relationship, and eventually, emotional distance sets in, making the marriage cold and disconnected. These are the silent but powerful factors that, if left unchecked, can ultimately lead to divorce.
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3. Increase in Resentment and Retaliation
When contempt is present, the partner on the receiving end may begin to resent their spouse. They may withdraw emotionally, retaliate with hurtful remarks, or shut down completely. Constantly reminding your partner that you ‘made’ them, implying they would be nothing without you, or using their weaknesses against them is extremely unhealthy and only deepens the divide. This cycle of negativity can make reconciliation increasingly difficult and may lead to a drastic change in behaviour.
4. Lowered Self-Esteem and Mental Health Struggles
Constant criticism and ridicule can take a toll on an individual’s self-worth. The partner being treated with contempt may start feeling inadequate, anxious, or even depressed, leading to deeper emotional wounds that affect their well-being.
5. A Major Predictor of Divorce
Psychologist Dr John Gottman, a leading researcher on marriage stability, identifies contempt as the single greatest predictor of divorce. If a couple does not address and eliminate contempt in their relationship, it can lead to irreparable damage, making separation inevitable.
How to Prevent Contempt in Marriage
Practice Mutual Respect – Respect involves treating your partner with kindness, valuing their opinions, and avoiding insults or dismissive behaviour. It’s about listening, compromising, and considering each other’s feelings. Speak to your spouse with kindness and appreciation, even in moments of frustration. Treat your partner as you wish to be treated. Instead of trying to change your partner, appreciate their unique qualities. Acceptance strengthens relationships.
Improve Communication – Effective communication in a marriage requires active listening, where you fully engage with your partner’s words, maintain eye contact, and avoid interrupting. Using “I” statements like “I feel” or “I need” helps express emotions without blame, enabling better understanding. Paying attention to nonverbal cues, such as facial expressions and body language, enhances communication, as does practising empathy by seeing things from your partner’s perspective.
Being open to compromise allows both partners’ needs to be met, while avoiding criticism and blame prevents defensiveness.
Constructive feedback should be given and received respectfully, and clear boundaries help maintain mutual respect.
Regular check-ins strengthen connection and address issues early, while professional help can provide valuable guidance if communication struggles persist.
Show Gratitude – Gratitude in marriage is the act of recognising and appreciating your spouse’s efforts, kindness, and presence in your life.
It can be expressed through sincere words of appreciation, love notes, thoughtful gestures, active listening, and acknowledging their contributions.
Expressing gratitude strengthens marital bonds by increasing happiness and emotional connection, making both partners feel valued.
Studies show that couples who regularly express appreciation experience higher relationship satisfaction, as gratitude encourages more positive behaviours and efforts from both partners.
It also enables emotional safety by creating a nurturing environment where love and respect thrive.
In contrast, feeling unappreciated is a common reason for marital dissatisfaction and divorce. By making gratitude a habit, couples can build a stronger, more fulfilling, and lasting marriage.
However, If contempt has already crept into your marriage, it can be challenging for couples to break free from its toxic cycle without external guidance. Seeking professional help through couples therapy can provide a structured and supportive environment where both partners can work through their underlying frustrations.
According to Dr. John Gottman, contempt is the strongest predictor of divorce, making it crucial to address early. Marriage counsellors use evidence-based techniques like Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and Cognitive-Behavioural Therapy (CBT) to help couples replace resentment with understanding.
A study by Johnson et al. (2013) found that EFT has a success rate of 70–75% in reducing relationship distress, showing that professional intervention can significantly improve emotional bonds.
Additionally, therapy encourages partners to develop better communication habits, encouraging empathy, conflict resolution skills, and emotional regulation. Research by Rogge et al. (2013) revealed that couples who engage in regular therapy sessions and practice positive communication strategies experience greater marital satisfaction and lower divorce rates.
Through guided discussions, partners learn to express their emotions constructively rather than through criticism or sarcasm. Therapists also provide tools like active listening exercises, self-reflection techniques, and structured problem-solving methods, all of which help rebuild trust and connection.
By seeking professional help, couples can interrupt the cycle of contempt, develop healthier relationship patterns, and work towards a more fulfilling and respectful partnership.
Conclusion
Contempt is a silent marriage killer. It breeds resentment, erodes emotional intimacy, and, if left unaddressed, can lead to divorce.
Recognising and eliminating contempt from your relationship is key to maintaining a healthy, loving, and lasting marriage that you deserve.
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